I was planning my wedding the other day and I thought you might like to catch a glimpse of my vision.

I’m thinking cows. Keeping it simple and classic; black and white. The cows can just wander, graze and look pretty. Until, of course, it’s time for the reception, at which point we will shoot them with our video camera and they’ll turn red from embarrassment and trot on home. I look forward to editing that film and adding some piano in the background, not too loud. But definitely none of those fancy peacocks prancing around, unless my sister decides to invite her self-appointed Godfather, then I’d have to let him stay.

Without a doubt we will be dressed as Adam and Eve. Hopefully everyone will just forget the middle part of that silly ole story, the whole banishment-from-paradise bit. The only problem I foresee with that is the rear of the outfit. We’re going to be walking down the aisle while our beloved family and friends ponder our naked backsides… I’ll work on that.


I have an idea about vows. We should just cut the vows. Instead, we should both bring some objects that hold some sentimentality. But I want to leave it at that when I tell G (G for my handsome groom) and see what he takes that to mean. So that if he brings a tooth and talks about how he and his brother practiced being dentists on each other and then air high-fives his brother in the audience, then I’ll know we are bound to have some issues because he didn’t focus his sentimental items on me specifically.

The invites will be sent out later than most people are accustomed to. But I would like to know who my true friends are and I don’t want to pay for a lot of people to dunk their face in my chocolate fountain that just happens to be a family heirloom. So two birds with one stone with that one.

Going off of the original cow theme, the rings should most likely include a cow pun in the inscription.

Here’s a working list:

“Moo and me forever”

“Can I poke your angus?”

“Never will I steer away from you”

“You’ve always been my cattle-ist”

“I veal always love you”

“I live for your comic rebeef”